A long break.. and a big news!

For a couple of months, I took a long break from knitting. It was too hot, and I dealt with some confusing life things during this time–Confusing at first, then things felt more manageable and more exciting as time went by.

We are expecting!

I found out when it was 4th week in, because my body is like a clock-work. I took the home pregnancy test in the middle of the night, and one test was all it took. Two lines! My first reaction was just: “Oh, crap…” The next morning, I told my husband that I might be pregnant. His reaction was even funnier. He just laughed nervously!

For the next 3 days, my days were filled with tears, confusion, depression, and panic. I had been anti-baby for so long, and thought that my life was great as it is. I had been working on getting my life back together after a long battle with anorexia, and coping with my mom’s cancer, determined to get everything done before I turn 30 in November. Something in my head was shouting “MY LIFE IS OVER!” and I cried and cried. I was going to be one of those women who throw up at the table, and get sick all the time for the next 9 months! Not to mention all my past insecurities with body image. Stretch marks? Weight gain? Bloating? And what about ballet? Will I have to quit for a while? Basically a lot of negativity.  😦

Finally on the third day, I went and bought myself a sewing machine that I had been coveting since a year ago: Singer Featherweight 220. I found one on Craigslist, whose owner used to work at Nordstrom as a tailor. Her daughter was downsizing her mom’s collection of Featherweights because that’s all her mom used.

The silly thing is, the sewing machine made me feel like a new person. I loved it, and my mood just instantly got better. I was becoming more hopeful and curious to find out what the baby looked like at that point.

And at each of my doctor’s appointment, I felt better and better, being able to see the baby grow.

What really changed my mood was having NO PREGNANCY symptoms. This is my Week 17 (Month 5), and I had no nausea, no cramps, no swelling, no headache… No pregnancy symptom at all. If I didn’t go to the doctor’s regularly, I wouldn’t even know I’m pregnant. I lost some weight regardless (I blame it on the crazy metabolism), and I only gained a couple of pounds this month, and my belly is still pretty flat. The best of all is that I’m still dancing on pointe. Seriously, NOTHING has changed.

I think this is a strange way for God to show me, “see? it’s not that bad, is it? you were afraid of having babies for so long, and look, it’s really no biggie, you can handle this.”

We’re finding out the gender during the anatomy scan in about 2 weeks. We are definitely excited about that. We even planned a Babymoon trip to Korea to see my parents following the anatomy scan.

So there, expect to see some cute baby knitting in the near future!

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3 thoughts on “A long break.. and a big news!

  1. Thank you for being so open with you struggles around body image + pregnancy. I would have felt the same way if I found out I was pregnant (though been scared to share for fear of the motherhood brigade). You’re a strong woman and will do a great job at being a parent with your resilient spirit!

    • Aw thank you so much for your kind words. I think pregnancy and parenthood are the kind of things that you just have to take one day at a time, while looking forward to the next big milestone. Like I’m looking forward to the next ultrasound 🙂

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