I had a nice, busy weekend. I got a lot of things done, running errands and stuff. Actually, I went to a MALL, something I have not done in the past 6 months. Hahaha. Oh oh oh! And I had In N Out.. Whoa, I know. WITH DIET COKE too. HAHA. Geez..
So, where is my life going? There are many things I wished for myself. I was eating that In N Out burger today, and out of nowhere, really randomly, this thing popped into my head… I feel like my dream is getting smaller every year, as I grow older.
Ever since I was 10, I thought I had a plan. I knew I had a plan. It was really a perfect plan, you see. I even worked out small details, and left some room for the sake of being flexible. I was just gonna focus on my career, become one of those cold-hearted, self-centered, bitchy women who have no family… It didn’t matter to me because I’ve always considered myself as a loner. When you spend the first 10 years of your life, trying hard to fit in, and to be accepted, you say oh screw it, who needs them anyway. Then the table is turned around, instead of your trying to fit in, you give a hard time to others who try to enter your world.
But then, I forgot to include something really important to my otherwise perfect, ingenius master plan… That other people change too. And that I don’t always have to be around the same people. And that I might meet other loners and make our own clique. =)
What I’m trying to articulate is… that I might not have to consider myself as a loner anymore. I have pretty good friends now, who really take care of my heart and soul. And I learned to appreciate my alone time, without being so dark and mysterious. My social life is at my comfort level, and I don’t struggle as much anymore to fit in or to let others in or out.
That’s a good thing.
But where did my dreams go? What happened to the heartless, cold, bitch I wanted to be? I wasn’t going to love anyone seriously, and I broke that promise a long time ago in high school. When you learn to love someone, you go soft. You have to, because love makes you vulnerable. It sucks because it’s still the greatest feeling in the world to love and to be loved. But you do go soft. I went soft.
Somewhere along the way, I started blending in, relying on others, trusting people, making friends, loving and caring about people. And I became humble.
I still can’t let go of my dreams. I wished many things for myself, and for my own self. I feel like I’m losing my true color, a part of me so proud and so unique, confident and lethal.
Perhaps, it’s time for me to upgrade and revise my master plan. Or perhaps, dreams are supposed to be just dreams. Or maybe one day, I’ll make peace with myself and compromise. Who knows. I’m still crawling, blindfolded, and I won’t know until I get there. Wherever it is.