After writing my past entry about the Brain v. Heart, I thought more about the issues that I’m going through. It seems to me, that everybody tends to choose their heart over their brain when it comes to love and relationships. My sister certainly did. Karen did too, but in much less extreme sense.
Sometimes people choose their hearts even when they know doing so would push them farther into the chasm of fear and confusion. Even when they know nothing is going to change, they take that one more chance, just to see, hoping that maybe this time is better, this time is different.
Ever since I started dating back in the 8th grade, I had one wish and only one wish. I wished that I would not become the girl in the Korean dramas: 1) The Girl who falls in love with men who are attached. 2) The Girl who falls for the bad boys. 3) The Girl who sacrifices everything for the name of love. 4) The Girl who lets the man abuse her physically and emotionally. 5) The Girl who keeps going back to the same guy. 6) The Girl who lets the guy keep coming back to her.
So naturally, I get uneasy at the thought of my friends and family members becoming The Girl. It is very difficult for me to hide my contempt for The Girl. I just prefer to shut up and keep all my emotions in a tightly closed little jar. Perhaps that is why I don’t talk to my sister anymore. I simply do not wish to be involved in someone so hopelessly lost that she gets her priorities mixed up.
I wrote something like this back in high school, I think. I don’t believe in second chances. Second chances are just another excuse to be The Girl. Nothing and no one is worth crying over. Nothing and no one is worth trying to fix. It either works or it doesn’t. Why, don’t I believe that you can work things out and make it work? Not once the trust is broken. I have no place for you in my heart because you broke it when you left. It took me a long time to rebuild it, patch it up and make it whole again. But this one is for someone else. Someone else who deserves it.
Insert your heart here. Maybe it’ll beep and the red light would blink. You’re out. Yes you, you don’t exist to me anymore. Maybe it’ll play the fanfare and the green light would blink. Welcome. You’re in my heart. Thanks.