Sadness

So it was valentine’s day yesterday. *sigh* I haven’t spend a Valentine’s Day alone for the past 4 years so this was really weird. Not having someone to love..


Yeah, I mean I spent it with Mom and Dad, and it was fun, quality time with my family, but now I miss how I used to be all excited for a date. You know, that unexplainable nervousness on the first date, first formal date, etc..


I think I was feeling more lonely because I was reminded of him the day before Valentine’s Day..


I never use Friendster anymore but I would occasionally receive emails from them about an update or new features.. So I logged on, for the first time since 2004.


And there it was. The first thing I saw on the page was his comment. I kid you not, it’s like those moments in Korean dramas, when a couple breaks up and they don’t realize how much they miss each other until they see other people wearing her clothes, saying his phrases, etc. As I was reading it on, his special way of calling my name, his words, even those stupid emoticons reminded me of his voice.


And yeah, I couldn’t resist trying to see his Friendster wall too. No, I’m not a stalker! But yeah, I saw what I wrote for him too. All sweet and so in love. Babe. Love. Forever.. Words that are meaningless now, because they are broken promises. It feels like that happened so long ago. I looked at the date and it said I wrote that on Nov 14, 2003..  Wow..


Exactly a month later, I suggested a break, and started dating another guy. Few months later, we’re back together. Exactly a year after I wrote the comment on his Friendster, we broke up. Officially. Permanently.


In my head, I know all the reasons why it was good to break up with him. But my heart misses the old times. It’s a feeling a little different from “Oh, I want him back.”


It’s more like, I miss the times when we were good to each other, happy with each other. When I was naive enough to be able to love without calculations. To feel happy when I should feel happy.


I sometimes wonder how he’s doing now. No one’s seen him at school, and no one in Cupertino knows his whereabout. It’s like he not only disappeared from my life, but also from everyone else included in my life.

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