i’ve been thinking alot.. gosh.. i think i’m built to think alot. haha. but i’d much rather stress out and deal with a situation than avoid it by not talking about it at all. i feel like at least i’m getting somewhere. i wouldn’t be where i am today if i hadn’t dealt with alot of sticky situations in the past.
anyways.. with the graduation coming around the corner, i guess i’ve been reflecting back to the beginning of college and then on. i remember sitting at the desk in my dorm room in my freshman year, planning out all the classes i could take.. calculated all the GE units and major/minor units.. figured out a way to graduate in 3 years. my mother has been telling me since i was little how unproductive i am with schoolwork and if i just tried a little harder, i’ll be a really good student. well, i guess the change of environment really motivated me to do well. that september of 2002 was the starting point for everything. while my peers talked about getting drunk, staying out late, putting on freshman 15, working off those freshman 15, failing a paper or an exam, homesickness… i put all my emotions behind and thought if i settled down with my schoolwork and got good grades in all my classes, i’ll be emotionally settled too.
it worked for a while. for two and a half years, i’ve been feeling fine. motivated, lucky, focused, productive. i didn’t have time to think about anything else. i was running from class to class, office hours to office hours, between jobs…
hmm i guess what i’m trying to talk about is.. that since i decided to take it “easy” and take only 16 units this quarter.. (4 classes) i was overwhelmed by how much time i had everyday. i mean… a day has always been 24 hours?? really? hm it definitely felt shorter when i was busy.
and that means.. all those feelings i put aside in my freshman year have been coming back. see what happens when i avoid thinking about my problems? they always come back to haunt me. i still feel like that clueless freshman. some uncertainties excite me. because uncertainties sometimes mean potentials. but right now.. as difficult as it is to admit… i am scared.
thoughts are floating around in my head.. i can’t really pinpoint what i am scared of, or why. i’m just really nervous from the moment i wake up to i go to bed. i often feel like i’m at the wrong place at the wrong time. i feel like i’m someone else. i’ve been reacting to things very differently from how i would usually do. i’ve been saying very un-Jean like stuff to people i care about. and i know this sounds horrible, but i feel like people are not listening to me. i know.. it’s probably just me. i know my friends, my family, my boyfriend care very deeply about me. but when i open my mouth, i can’t seem to find the right words. the only thing that come out of my mouth is random noises, nonsense unless it has nothing to do with how i feel inside.
i feel like i’ve been on top of things, only to realize i have no control over the direction my life is going to. you thought emotional rollercoasters were bad? ah. i’m talking about drop-zone plunge into the lowest level of my emotion. it’s like i’m standing naked in the middle of a football field with millions of people watching. it’s so embarrassing and i just.. can’t.. admit the fact that i am scared of how fast things are moving..
things have gotten worse since the day i decided to give another attempt at putting a halt to the vicious cycle… the cycle i’ve been enslaved to work for and to run away from. it used to be the source of my control.. or at least the source of feeling myself in control.
i keep seeing myself in my dreams.. i am a little girl once again. and i’m screaming and kicking.. and tears are running down on my cheeks. i’m screaming but no sound come out of my mouth. it’s quite disturbing.
hm. when i really think about it, i know i’ll come out of this, glowing with giddiness once again.. and i kinda know that i’ll be whom i wanted to be, a happy, healthy, strong person, bright and peaceful. maybe i’m just nervous about grad school thing. maybe i just need a break. maybe it’s nothing at all. who really knows.
but as for now, i think i need all the support i can get, from people i really care about. as for now, i need to be that child again, kicking and screaming inside for something i want but pretending to be sleek and cool outside for i dont want people to see how disturbed, complex, and confused i am. According to Karen, I¡¯m nothing without my inner strength, inner peace, my inner harmony.
I promise.. this will only go on until the end of this week. After that.. I don¡¯t know what¡¯ll happen. But I know that I¡¯ll be fine. I have to be.