having a much more relaxed time thesedays.. I had a breakthrough. Hehe. A turning point, I’d say… I feel much better and yah…

 

Went to watch The Bourne Supremacy yesterday. There were a lot of people, given the fact that it was one of those movies that people expect to be good, and it was the opening day… It was good. I dont know if it was as good as the first one, but I still liked it alot. First of all, I couldn’t really remember what happened in the first one, cuz I had some kind of memory loss or something.. I kept mixing up the first Bourne movie with The Recruit. Haha. I guess they were pretty similar.

 

Well~ Only downside of my life right now would be that I have finals this week.. And my addiction is slowly creeping in again. I’ve been more open about my problem this year. Not that being open about it helps me directly in any way.. It’s a problem that will not be cured without my willingness to change it. I’m not sure how I feel now. You know, about it. I sometimes want to get better, for the sake of my future and my mental and physical health. Just want the harmony back into my life. But then at the same time, I miss the time when I felt the most in control and perfect. I really do miss it. I’m torn between the two feelings. Harmony, Perfection, Harmony, Perfection?

 

Sigh.. I guess the recovery isn’t easy.. I made some changes though. Here and there. No more second xanga. No more different screen names… I tried to avoid having two identities at the same time. When I had two of everything, I felt like I’m living in two different lives, and felt like there was nothing wrong. Because when I was living in the normal life, I didn’t see it as a problem. I didn’t see myself having a problem. It was more like watching myself do other things in secret. It’s like my dreams. I’m the third person, watching this character, JEAN, playing roles in these dreams. Well, after trying to combine the two lives, and teaching myself to recognize these differences, I guess I feel that I made a first step to the recovery.. That first step was about a year ago. I knew it was going to be long and hard. But for the last 6 months, I’ve been going back to the problem.. Sometimes, I felt like I had to do it. Again and again, I’ve been trying to escape and fall back. I miss having that life. BUt I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s bad. But I can’t help feeling this way.. I miss it, whenever I see other girls having the ideal characteristics I wanted. The first thing that comes to my mind is, “Does she have that problem too???” And then I get so inspired to do that. To go back. To fall back.

 

*sigh*

 

Well~~ That’s only when I go deep into my life right now. Other aspects of my life very harmonious. Music, studying, friends, living situation… everything. =)

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3 thoughts on “

  1. hilo jean! hope you are doing okay. whatever you’re going through, i hope you’re working things out. Sigh… lately i’ve been not quite myself because i feel so overwhelmed… and i kinda need to take a step away. I don’t know .. too much drama at once i think. hehe when i get back i’ll talk to you about it. but yeah.. take care for the rest of the summer and hopefully you’ll have fun in GA!

  2. i want to watch bourne supremacy. haven’t seen the first one…do i need to watch that to understand the new movie?
    not sure what addiction you are talking about. but yeah, it’s better to stop some addictions. they can be quite detrimental. i wouldn’t say that having another xanga or screenname means having two identities…maybe some thoughts are too private for your public account? or maybe you don’t feel like talking to people on aim. btw, i still don’t have either one of your screennames-___-
    good luck on your finals!

  3. hey jean hows dis week going? krazy? busy? i know….how are ur papers going??? hope they’re going well. hey, i need a ride to the train station on friday..wud u mind giving me a ride? so i cud see u before i leave too…alright i’ll give u a call on thursday. good luck on ur finals!!!! and stay GOOD!

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