mmm very tired.. it’s been a while since I got enough sleep and feel really refreshed by the morning. I get up and sigh these days.. I haven’t been really sleeping well.. maybe 3~4 hours of really satisfying sleep and all the rest is like tossing and turning.. Just got alot of stuff on my mind. I wanna be able to spill everything out.. let someone know my troubled mind… but I guess it is my problem and I need to be able to handle it on my own. I must.
Lately.. I’ve been feeling like I opened up alot. My heart. My soul. I feel transparent. Good? Bad? I dont know… I feel like I’m forcing myself to open up.. You know what it feels like? It feel like I’m forcing my scar open, cutting the hard new skin again and again so I can see the very first cut. I feel honest and clean, but also recognizing my own scar and pain hurts me. Every morning, I wake up when the alarm goes off, I sit up and cry. I’m full of mistakes and hurt and weak heart. Never been very brave. I’ve built up this wall around me, wall painted brightly with pink… foolishly tricking people with my clone who’s confident and brave… But there’s the real me inside that wall, faded into gray.. I see scars on my body… I see scars in my soul.. I see my problems.. I can’t run away from them, they’re mine and they’re a part of me. I want to embrace them. I would’ve lived my life a little differently if I could. But I came too far and my inner devil whispers sweet words of temptation.
I’m not ready to change. I’m not ready to fix me. I’m not ready to face certain problem of mine. I’m much happier with the result despite the fact that I feel guilty about how I got here. I’d rather have this problem and be able to act happy than feeling I’m worthless without that problem.
Someone come and fix me up. I’m so happy about ruining my own life. I’m killing myself. I fight myself. I beat myself up. I need help. I cry for help. Yet something inside me stops me and tempts me.. “The problem is a beautiful thing. You don’t need to be okay. You’re happy.” PLEASE.. someone come and kill me inside, so I can be reborn.