MCDB final tomorrow~ Hmmm I dont know if I feel really ready. We will see tomorrow. Hm.. I’m okay with my new memoir story line I guess. It’s more like a script now. It’s kind of weird, thinking back to the old days… To the very beginning when I was nothing and invisible.. At least in my own mind, that is.
I’m discovering myself every day, in every new way possible. It’s good to be aware of my problems as well as my accomplishment. It’s good for me. I feel more confident about myself, being fully alert in my environment. I like having my own unique answers to every issue, every question. Writing a memoir is like examining every pore of your body in a big mirror and describing your faults and glamour to others. I feel self-concious, but at the same time, I feel proud of my moments… I feel like a brave soldier, battling and sweating through the enemies and to come out in one piece, with just minor scratches here and there. The spirit of the underdog I guess.
People like to think that they’re very smart. The manipulation begins from there. You make them feel smart, then you can never be their enemy. They won’t even notice your venom seeping through their own throat because they believe that you’re on their side.
After the Passion of Christ, my newly found faith in God has made me see things more clearly than usual. I’m constantly trying to learn myself, see things with my own eyes, instead of listening to other people preaching about “the truth.” I’m satisfied with my answers. I feel that I found that point between my own power over my destiny and the power of God’s listening to my prayers. I still remember this guy from high school saying something like.. “People dont pray; they beg.” I’m not a beggar, but I pray to Him to allow me to become my own person and without tainted learnings from people’s lectures. To allow me to see it with my own eyes and believe, without going blind with misinformed authority’s tyranny. To allow me to be strong and be faithful to my own deepest feelings to have enough hard for the worst people on earth. To allow me to smile because my soul has its inner peace, though people can take all the materialistic things from me to weaken me.