Thanks to all my friends who really care about me and asked me how I’m doing and stuff.. Mike, Ronnie, Stephanie, JeanKyung, Channing and Josh (what a long note ), I especially thank you guys, because you guys really made me feel like you guys care about this as much as I do.

If I didn’t REALLY care, I wouldn’t have been so angry. I wouldn’t have felt so betrayed and cheated. And Josh, you were absolutely right; if I hate my own sister for the rest of my life because of my judgment on her today, that’d be very immature of me. But you were also right about how you didn’t know anything about what’s been really going on.

I chose to stop caring about this because it was stress me out I really don’t need right now; after all, it IS her life. The reason for my feeling so betrayed was because I felt like I played a major role persuading Mom and Dad to let Suzanne become a singer like she said she wants to. It’s been almost 5 years since then. I’m angry because she’s not investing in her own career as much as the other family members are. Dad financially, Mom psychologically investing on her as well as myself writing things for her songs. That’s been almost 2~3 years. She’s been showing us behaviors that made us believe that she is not ready to go out in the world and become an adult. We went to Korea last winter mostly because of her. We took her to producers, very well known ones. The consensus was that she is not too talented. Yes, she does have a very nice voice; but she’s not a singer material because it seems like she doesn’t practice much.

They were right; she doesn’t practice singing. Maybe 30 minutes a day? You watch or read about a singer’s “Behind the Story,” about how they practiced day and night to become the best that he or she can become. I want to see that in my sister. I want to see that she really tries and wants it bad. I want to see that passion.

Josh you were right that no one really knows what they’re doing at this age. That’s exactly MY point. Luckily, I am very sure of my future. I know what I’m going to do, and I know that I am going to be happy. You misread my point. I don’t want her to become a singer unless she is really sure. You don’t choose your career when you’re not sure. You have to be passionate about what you’re going to do. I’d rather have her think more about herself seriously and make a wise decision. Kids today admire stars; sooo many people want to become singers, actors/actresses, models, etc. I don’t want my sister to live in a childhood fantasy unless she is sure that she can make it happen in reality. I dont want to see my sister regret making a choice like this later. I once dreamed about becoming a dancer, very seriously. At the time I was very serious. But now I have a totally different accessment of myself. I want my sister to have that time. She’s only 17; she still has few more years to make that decision about what she’s going to do for the rest of her life.

I do not agree with you however, how you think it’s good that she has a “positive view.” She doesn’t have a positive view of herself. I am angry because she lost faith in HERSELF. I don’t think it is possible for ANYONE to do ANYTHING without passion and faith in oneself. I want my sister to take time to absolutely make sure she has both. Because the important thing is not WHAT she does. More important thing is what she IS. I want my sister to have a positive attitude, with passion and faith in herself.

I’m angry but I’m also scared. I’m scared my family falling apart like this, everyone arguing. I’m scared because my sister is still young for a fast career decision like this. She is mentally younger than most 17-year-olds. We all know that. She always developed slower than most of her peers. I want her to take more time. I want her to become a confident and positive human being BEFORE anything else. She has room to grow. Her stepping outside the safety of teenage life would hurt that chance of growth.

Yes, maybe she IS going through that “rebellious” stage. But, singing is a career. Being a singer means that she will become an adult, before any of us. She can’t act like a teenager anymore. Professional singing career requires not only beautiful voice and face, but also maturity as a person, to be able to handle such world. She’d be dealing with human interaction among adults, some dangerous, some good. A mature person would have little problem distinguishing who to trust, who to deal with, who to help. At such a young age, with very little experience with the world, it would be very hard to survive and maintain sanity in a world so harsh and dangerous.

I’m angry with my sister because she’s being “swept away” by the things that are happening so fast. I wish the best for her. I want her to say, “okay, stop, I need to think about this more carefully.” Making a career decision should not be taken lightly. Just because you have a good body, you don’t become a model. Just because you have a good car, you don’t become a car salesman. Just because you have a nice voice, you don’t become a singer. I don’t think my sister’s taking a risk at all. She’s playing it safe, relying on her pretty voice to take her somewhere. I want her to grow up, think more maturely about herself, her passion, her faith, her future.

I don’t speak to her much now because I am angry. I’m not going to deny the fact that I am angry. The last thing I can do for my sister before she becomes an adult, I think, is encouraging her to think like one. I want her to see WHY I am angry. I want her to see WHY it’s so important for me to see her mature. I have been telling her, explaining why so many times. All I get from her is, “I don’t care; I don’t care if I succeed.”

Not speaking to her was the last resort. I am holding on to that last straw. I want to her to see WHY I’ve been so unhappy. That is all I want. I want her to take more time, for her OWN sake.

(Edit: By the way, that poem was written a long time ago. So it has nothing to do with my sister.)


5 thoughts on “

  1. Hey Jean,
    Well i’m very happy to see that you do indeed care about your sister very much.  I’m sorry that I misinterpreted. I just got the impression that you truly hated her, and I don’t like seeing that. (ESPECIALLY between family.)  I hope things get better for you and your family and that your sister will soon begin to realize how this situation is affecting all of you.  Take care and good luck with everything!

  2. hi jean! thanks for leaving a note at my xanga..i should start updating more’re such a good unnie to your little sis. because of all these efforts you’re putting into her, she’ll understand the lesson eventually. she’ll be thankful and gam sa for having a sister like you. i guess it’ll take some time though u know.and it’s awesome that you know what to do in your life. u know where you’re going right now… well, ttyl and take care always! 

  3. i’m sure you dont hate your sister…you only feel that way cuz you love her with all your heart..rite jean??…trust me…hate…hrmmm…thats something thats hard to be felt…but yeah…i guess all you can do is juss still be there for her….its her life..and if this is the way she wants to acheive it…hey..let her do it…she’ll learn stuff in the way …which is a good thing..feel better

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