Dreaming empowers me
LIke a flower that suckles on wet dirt
I wander for the nipples of these glamourous fantasies
You’re a child living in a fantasy, it’s not real, they say.
But if I live out my fantasy, isn’t it real? Isn’t it fabulous?
Wouldn’t you rather be happy in your beautiful life,
 Than be ordinary in your so-called reality?

I count the little goosebumps on my shoulder
I adore being in the cold,
the comfort
the warmth of the cold breeze through the darkened window,
against my bare skin
I dream because I hear my own voice in my dreams
You only hear your friends’ voices in your reality, your enemies
But I feel vibrato in my own voice
In my dream, I am who I really am
A fighter,
A lover,
A laughter
A voice,
COldness sharpens my voice
A knife that can cut you in a thousand pieces

Even when I’m smiling,
I plan, I prepare,
to burn you into my fantasy
to little pieces
to rip you apart
Before you can rip me into your reality

I look so fragile
You want to protect me
Then I look so innocent
You want to bite me
You feel like a guardian angel

That’s okay,
you say you’re in reality
but really you’re in your own fantasy
You an angel,
but don’t you know not to judge a book by the cover?
Angel, learn your lessons.

No realization, you’re infected
By my fantasy,
No hesitation, keep smiling like an angel
protect me under your wings
No knowledge, of me
Gnawing on your wings when you’re too blinded

So I can leave you anytime
make you feel like a dumb devil with broken wings
I feel no morose
I’m a fighter
I am who breaks you
I’m a lover too
I love your tears
I’m a laughter
that resonates across my dark empty fantasy
I’m my own voice
I will break you if you try to break mine.


4 thoughts on “

  1. Hi Jean,
    Haven’t talked in a while…it seems like there’s quite a lot going on in your family.  I am inclined to agree with you that going all-out in that direction at such a young age seems to be a rather immature aspiration.But whatever happens, I hope I’ll be useful in some way if you, your family, or even your sister may ever need help.  Regarding this, I speak for myself and those people that we both know.Talk to me, and talk to us, about anything.  We all care about you and your family and certainly worry for you, and would certainly like to keep you company or help you in difficult or emotional times.
    Your Friend,Channing

         You have the right to be angry with your sister.  However, to vehemently hate her as much as you claim to, THAT in itself is plainly immature, stupid, and extremely selfish.  Do you really believe your sister wants you to hate her just because she’s doing this?  
         It seems like your sister has taken a very big risk in trying to achieve this goal; one that I’m sure she’s given a lot more thought to than you know.  To an extent, yes, she is being very selfish; She’s being rude to you and your parents and desperately wants to pursue a singing career even though it’s clear that you all opposed it.  Does this justify all the hate?   I mean… ok so she’s a rebellious teenager.  Everybody goes through that phase where they rebel against their parents… Everybody wants to proclaim themselves at some point in their youth that they can be self-sufficient even though they really can’t.  It’s all part of growing up.  Like Ronnie and Channing more or less said… she’s not mature/old enough to comprehend the full meaning of “family” if she’s acting like this.  But then again, if your parents can love her and you can’t, you then also lack in understanding the full meaning of the word “family” as well. 
                You say that she claims that she doesn’t care if she makes it or not.  I personally think it’s good that she can take such a positive perspective.  She recognizes and accepts the possibility of failure.  You however, seem to already set her up for failure.  You are already claiming that she’s throwing money away for nothing and because of this you justify your hatred towards her.  Well, let’s just assume for the moment that she does become successful.  How are you going to react?  If you don’t want to be a hypocrite to your “rules on friendship” philosophy, you better be prepared to continue hating her for the rest of your life.  Of course if she doesn’t make it then everything is fine and dandy… go ahead and continue hating her. 
                Anyway, my point is:  your sister took a risk.  Although this seems immature, it takes a lot of courage (and maturity itself) to actually decide to take on the risk in the first place.  It takes even more courage to continue taking the risk when you’re well aware of what it is doing to your family. You could say she’s just being ridiculously stubborn, but at this point I don’t think her stubbornness is contributing a majority of her decision to continue singing.  You need to be able to differentiate between being stubborn and being courageous.  You hate her because a.)  this risk is taking its toll on your family and b.)  she doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing.  NO ONE knows what he or she is doing when taking on something like this.  Heck, do you know absolutely sure what you’re doing with your life?  You’re studying poli sci, so you want to do law right?  Are you absolutely sure you want to do law?  Are you absolutely sure it’ll make you happy?  Don’t hate your sister because she’s taking a different path from you.  Applaud her for taking a risk.  Love her for being the person she is.  Be patient with her when it doesn’t seem like you’re getting through to her.  But above all, be understanding.  I’m sure when your parents got married, the pastor (or judge) conducting the ceremony had to say something along the lines of “for better or worse, till death do you part.”  That line is the most important part in a binding contract like marriage.  It applies not only to the man and the woman, but also to whomever is created under this contract.  Your parents obviously understand the terms of this contract and agree to love anyone under it unconditionally.  However, based on your Xanga entries, it sounds like you can only love when things are for the better, but not for when things seem to be for the worse.  Maybe you’re the one who should be kicked out and sent far away if this is the case.  Blood is thicker than water.  Don’t hate your family members.  They’re the only people you can turn to for love and support in this world, and I’m sure that’s exactly what your entire family needs at such a time of hardship… including your sister. 
               Finally, I just wanted to make it clear that I’m not taking any sides or anything.  I know practically nothing about what’s going on so it would not be right for me to make a judgement anyway.  I just think you shouldn’t hate your sister for the rest of your life over something which you may regret eventually. 
    – Josh
    (btw… i don’t know why i got so worked up over this.  i just hate seeing two people so close suddenly end up so far apart.  feel free to delete this, laugh at how stupid it sounds… whatever.  I also don’t mean for this to hurt anybody’s feelings if it does… i just wanted to express my opinion.  I need sleep so I don’t really care if it makes any sense anymore.  Take care.)

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