Hmm the three-day weekend was really good.. I went home as usual, it was really relaxing.. No big fights, no big meetings or anything. I just remember.. eating a LOT and watching a LOT of TV.. =) hehehe. I’m definitely having an easier time this quarter than last quarter… I was a little hesitant to take such a little amount of units, but I thought it was about time for me to take a little break from studying this quarter.. I’m exactly at the half way through my college years, and I thought it was a good time to do a midterm check. How am I doing? Am I doing what I envisioned before coming here? My independence? My future? My friends? In other words, how much and in what way have I changed?
I really changed from what I was in high school. Oh yes, the silliness will never go away. It’s like bubbling underneath this whole new me, like it’s alive. But I do feel that I’ve become more responsible, more diligent, and more independence. I do feel more comfortable in my own skin. Not as much as I’d like to, but I’m getting better. I don’t care about other people’s evaluation of me as much as I did in high school. I mostly do everything I want to do, say everything I want to say.
I also think about how I’ve changed as a student. I care more about my work now. In high school, I studied in mere fear of not getting accepted into a good college. I studied enough to not fall behind completely and the rest of the time went into dancing, something I still passionately in love with. But it was when I came to college when I really found love in studying. Maybe it’s because I just get to study things I want to study, or maybe it’s the atmosphere. I just feel more connected with my work here than at home. I really like studying now. In high school, my dream was to be famous, to be something fabulous. It was really abstract and childish. But now I really know what I want to do with my life, because I found what I love. Dancing, yes, is fun and it keeps my passion alive. But I would never pursue it as my career. I guess I loved dancing because it got me the attention I craved as a young girl, and I’d say, I wasn’t bad at it. Dancing still helps me with self-esteem issues, the area I have had problems with since I was a child. But because of the confidence it gave me, I can find other things I am good at.
I’m still working on the friendship area.. It’s always been a problem for me, and I realize it’ll take me longer than my self-esteem issues. Self-esteem issues only involve ME, so as long as I just try, it gets better. Friendship issue is a little different though, it involves the trust issue. I have a problem trusting people as easily as other people. It takes me few months to get to know a person well enough to decide whether or not I want to be friends with them. In other words, I am really picky about making friends. I may seem very eccentric to many, because I do appear very reserved and distant. But that’s really not who I am. But it just kind of hit me, that I might be left alone in California without a home very soon.. And I realized that I would seriously need my friends to lean on during the hard times.
So I decided to try a new thing. It might not seem like a big thing; but it is for me. Okay, so here it is. No matter what, from now on, I will always give a second chance to everyone. I never give any second chance. It takes me so much time to trust a person; when the person lets me down, that was it. I used to get so enraged that I forget that the friendship was once very important to me too. But the capacity to love is the capacity to hurt. If I’m going to love my friends, I have to expect to get hurt sometimes. Friends don’t deliberately try to hurt me, things just happen sometimes. I realized I haven’t been really fair with people.. Hm, so this is like my new year’s resolution. To give second chances. In other words, to be more generous, to be more welcoming. Think with my heart, not with my head when it comes to friends. =)