it was a pretty busy day today. I got up around 9… Yah I slept in to everyone’s surprise. Dad left around 10. Good thing this week’s pretty short. He’ll be back real soon.

Then we all just kinda stayed in our rooms for a while. Suzanne in her room, me in mine, mom in the living room (which she calls hers).. For like two hours, we silently agreed not to disturb each other.. For the first time since the summer started, we didn’t know what others were doing. Well I was watching movies on my computer. I watched Blade Runner.. Still a confusing movie. I understood alot more than I did in freshman year. I still didn’t really get the ending. Then i watched the Matrix just for the heck of it. The Matrix is one of those movies that you just have to watch it over and over again. And just fall in love with it every time.

Then we decided to walk around Valley Fair.. Alot of walking, alot of studying of fashion. Fashion is a weird thing. You WANT to look different, but you end up being one of the crowd. anyways, then we came back.. ate a bit. then here I am, with my sweet scent candles and jazz music. I feel really relaxed. I guess when I say I want to relax, or I am relaxed. I’m talking about my mind, not the body. I don’t care how tired my body is, as long as my mind is not tired. I guess that is why I can sometimes go on many days without sleeping the full 7 hours. When my mind is tired though, 10 hours of sleeping does not help at all.

I’ve been thinking alot these days. What I want from my life, I realized, has alot to do with people I meet. I guess I feel the most satisfied when I’m with people who want similar things in life. I’m not very comfortable with people who have different tastes i guess. Well if they’re my friends, i can tolerate them. But I wouldn’t be able to be completely honest with my feelings in fear of being misunderstood. So that’s what I’ve been thinking lately. I never understood why I felt so uncomfortable around some people that I thought were really good friends of mine. It’s not even really “uncomfortable” the word i”M looking for. It’s more like.. avoidance. Having to watch what I say. yah.

Well, i realized, no matter what it doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with them. Just… I could find better friends. Not to sound cocky or anything by “better friends” but I meant like, people can understand me better because they share the same viewpoint. Just someone, I dont have to explain at length like this and just know what I mean cuz they feel the same way. People always talk about finding their true friend, someone who’s like long lost twin sister or brother. I guess that’s what soulmate is. Heh.. Feeling kinda lonely? I can’t argue that I’m not. Desperate? NO. I can wait. hehe. And while I’m waiting, I can just spend this time to figure out exactly what I’m after in life. =)


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