I have many times written about my politics and religion. I¡¯ve been raised as a Christian, and upon my age of 8, I was educated as a Catholic. I¡¯ve read the Bible, I¡¯ve finished few courses, etc. But I don¡¯t go to church anymore. IN fact, no one in my family does. This brought unexpected confusion. Did I somehow completely convert to atheism, or am I simply ignorant? Which way am I more comfortable with? Only few weeks ago, have I came closer to find the solution to my endless questioning.

I was invited to a praise night at my sister¡¯s producer¡¯s organization. They rented a church, small and beautiful I must say. The producer was the pianist in the organization which explained that they came together because they wanted to communicate with God through music. It was nice; I watched a Grammy-winner singer and a 17-year-old girl belting their notes. I twas quite refreshing. Then there was really hot rappers. Yah, hiphop rappers at the church. Fun, huh?

Anyway, as I was sitting there seeing the faces of the people, I made some behaviors clearly established that I didn¡¯t want to be a part of them. Surprisingly, in the midst of teary-eyed people crying ¡°Lord! Lord!¡± I found the peace to ponder about what is my religious identity.

It seems that I still have a very difficult time saying that I do not believe in God. Truthfully, I get scared saying that. So I might not be an atheist because being scared of something is recognizing its existence. But I still have strong feelings against attending church. When people tell me something like, ¡°Jesus is my light, blah blah blah,¡± somehow my taste buds turn sour. Then when I saw a couple, crying and singing horribly off tune, I knew. I did not want to go to church on Sundays because I did not want to even deal with this type of people. I am more than fine with religious people. But I found the distinction between a religious individual and a religion-dependent one. In many ways, religion is like everything addictive. It shows only one answer to every worries, every conflicts. It shows us a skewed vision of the world, making it seem like it is so much more corrupted and dirtier than the truth, by making the religion the absolute power. However, unlike drugs or tobacco, it covers up the addictive property with a perfect propaganda, Love and Morality. These two things do not leave anyone suspicious. Seeing my sister¡¯s friend crying and mumbling prayers confirmed my new solution. I was disgusted by the people who talked only about Jesus for every argument they support, as I am disgusted by people who are drug-addicts and alcohol-addicts. These people are religion-addicts. They don¡¯t think about their problems; they merely look for approval and try to think what someone else, or God, would tell them to do. That young girl who was crying and mumbling like an insane patient, did she really mean the prayers? In more ancient times, zen monks trained in the mountains and woods for several years until one day they are enlightened. One praise night, and this young girl, clad in expensive and ostentatious jeans under piles of makeup, was already enlightened. When the night was over, some of these people would have gone home to watch the news about gay couple marriage and would have pointed their fingers at them, calling them ¡°fags¡± as one of my ¡°very religious Christian friend¡± sometimes call gay couples. Honestly, I am more loving, forgiving and fair than many of these people. And they try to preach me about God¡¯s intentions.

I find these religion-addicts repulsive. They don¡¯t have time to think about their life as an individual. It is one thing to believe in one religion, and another to be insane about it. Religious regimen such as attending church every Sunday, wearing appropriate clothes only matter in 13~16th centuries because most common people were farmers and didn¡¯t have time to be educated. Religion was used by the nobles to keep an orderly society since the beginning of European history. I am Christian. I want to be a religious person, who is calm, focused and hard-working. But that has nothing to do with being dependent on the Bible or on God. When God created me, He or She also made my ability to survive on my own just as a man can make a clock but clock runs on its own.


2 thoughts on “

  1. Oh my God it’s Jean. I feel ya Jean. Sometimes, christians think that they are perfected through their faith and so they would often think of others as lower individuals. At least you’re not like me, I get angry at those Christians =p I hope everything is well for you! And YES this year I AM GOING TO SANTA BARBARA. Wanna go to the lambda parties in SB? hehehe. Let me know. Byebye jean
    oh and you should be calling me OPPA! hahaha since I’m like a month older than you! hahaha that’s right bow to me! hehehe a tout a l’heure.

  2. oh and too bad you got a boy, cause you know you missing out on me. hahaha roOite you know it! Holla!
    Sean —>OPPA!<—-

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